In a twist that would make even the most seasoned political satirist chuckle, Nigerian President Bola Tinubu has suddenly discovered the virtues of peaceful protest. Yes, you heard that right. The same man who once led fiery demonstrations against military rule now finds himself on the other side of the barricades, wagging a cautionary finger at today’s disgruntled masses.
Speaking to a nation on the brink of widespread protests, Tinubu reminisced about his glory days as a street-level rabble-rouser. “Back in my day,” he practically wheezed, “we protested without breaking a single window. Why, we even polished the dictator’s boots while we were at it!” Okay, maybe not that last part, but you get the idea.
The irony is thicker than the stacks of Naira it now takes to buy a loaf of bread. Since Tinubu’s administration decided to pull the plug on fuel subsidies, prices have skyrocketed faster than a politician’s promises on election day. Basic necessities? More like luxury items. The Nigeria Labour Congress reports that many families are now on the “see food” diet – if they see food, they eat it, because who knows when the next meal will come?
But fear not, citizens! Tinubu has a plan. He’s been holding meetings with everyone from APC governors to traditional rulers and Islamic clerics. One can only imagine the conversations: “Your Highness, could you perhaps decree that hunger is now illegal? No? Well, it was worth a shot.”
Meanwhile, opposition leaders are having a field day. Former Vice President Atiku Abubakar pointed out the delicious irony of Tinubu’s stance, given his history of leading protests against previous administrations. It’s almost as if power comes with a free pair of rose-tinted glasses and a selective memory eraser.
State governments and security agencies are also joining the fray, issuing warnings that sound suspiciously like threats dressed up in concerned parent language. The Nigerian military, ever the voice of reason, has warned that the protests could “degenerate into anarchy.” Because nothing says “peaceful democracy” quite like military intervention, right?
But wait, there’s more! Tinubu’s administration, in a stroke of genius, has announced plans to pay stipends to unemployed graduates. Because nothing solves systemic economic issues quite like throwing pocket change at degree holders. They’re also implementing a Compressed Natural Gas policy to reduce transportation costs. Next up: teaching Nigerians to photosynthesize to cut down on food expenses.
As Nigeria teeters on the edge of widespread demonstrations, one can’t help but wonder: Will Tinubu’s newfound appreciation for orderly protest prevail? Or will the irony of his situation finally hit him harder than the economic realities hitting average Nigerians?
In the end, it seems Tinubu has mastered the art of political gymnastics, seamlessly flipping from protest leader to protest manager. As the nation holds its breath, one thing is clear: in the theater of Nigerian politics, the script may change, but the comedy remains the same. Who needs bread and circuses when you have protests and paradoxes?
Nathaniel Otis
